“Scars are beautiful when you see them as glorious reminders that we courageously survived.”
– Lysa TerKeurst
Not all wounds are visible. Some people are seared in scars that have no physical evidence. I have scars. I have an abundant amount of scars. Scars that make me feel afraid and ashamed. Scars that make me feel damaged and dishonorable. But the thing about scars is, they’re part of the past.
There are parts of my past that I have tried extremely hard to suppress yet I still have very vivid memories, some would even call them out of body experiences. It’s like I’m there again, watching myself, watching the nightmare unfold and I’m screaming to my younger self to run, to hide, but to no avail. Sometimes I relive those moments over and over and over again. Sometimes those moments never seem to end. Sometimes I feel trapped in what now are only memories. Sometimes I can’t sleep. Sometimes I can’t breathe. It’s overwhelming.
For countless years I cried out to God, begging Him to block those years of my childhood, to let me live the rest of my life without ever having one of those out of body experiences again. The years continued and my memory remained intact, every dirty detail.
Anger began to build. Every fiber of my being filled with frustration.
Why God?! Why?!
How could You have let this happen to me?
You call me Your daughter!
You call me Your beloved!
You say You know all our days before we are born and if that’s true then that means You must have known this would happen too!
What kind of God would allow that happen?
What kind of God allows an innocent child endure that kind of agony?
Why God?! Why?!
Very recently something was revealed to me, our purpose is to glorify God in every part of our lives. In fact the Bible says to, “Lead your lives in a manner worthy of the Gospel…standing firm…[don’t] be alarmed or intimidated by your opponents for you have been granted the privilege [to] not only believe and confidently trust in God but also to suffer for His sake.” – Philippines 1:27-29.
It took me some time to understand what those words meant but now that I do I can finally see the purpose of my scars. The purpose of my scars are to share them and use them to glorify God. I once heard someone say to speak your truth even if your voice shakes so here I am, with tears running down my face, trembling with each word I type and giant knot in my throat but I believe that there is someone, somewhere who is wondering why, who endured something that no one should ever have to experience, someone who is doubting God because of that experience and I’m here to say that you are not alone, you are not broken, you are not used or ugly. You are worthy! You are beautiful! You are so very loved!